Manners, Please!

This Saturday instead of lying around the apartment all day in my pajamas and watching terrible movies dubbed into Spanish, I braved the slush and attended an all-day class on Protocol and Representation, aka, how not to embarrass yourself and your government at representational events (any event other than work hours and when you're hanging out with an all-American crowd). Had to dig the suit of the back corner of my closet, where it had languished since October 28.

The class was a total hoot, and not in a snarky way. We learned such tidbits as what indentations on a single tine mark the difference between a salad fork and a dessert fork, how to determine the relative importance (for seating purposes) of those you've invited to a dinner party, what seat NOT to occupy in a car (unless you're the highest-ranking person in the group, which I don't intend to be anytime soon), how to operate a slotted olive spoon, and how to eat a poached pear. We also learned the origins of silverware and how to eat American style and continental style. A good half hour was spent on the proper way of receiving and giving a business card. We mingled and chatted with others at a reception with coffee (only 2/3 full to prevent sloshing) and Oreos (don't be "the guy who wolfed the Oreos").

I know I'm concentrating on the table-setting and eating parts, but there was a lot of other general protocol, for instance, the differences--and how to detect them--between engraving (the best but not common anymore), thermography (acceptable), and laser-printing (not too cool but okay in a pinch) for business cards. How to address an ambassador and how to show respect.

They showed a video on how to "close the deal" by being strong in the run-up to and during a business lunch. It featured an apparent expert on etiquette but I could swear at times it was going to turn into an SNL skit given the background music, 80s fashions and decor, and overall resemblance of the hostess to Pat. In spite of that, it did teach us the proper way to eat watermelon with a knife and fork, get fish bones out of your mouth, and eat raspberries. I learned facts about napkin use and placement that I never dreamed existed.

I can't wait to go out and practice my new-found manners, although I enjoyed dining on fried sliced hot dogs Saturday night - eaten American-style since no knife was needed!